Monster – arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!

keva-cray-face-smile

Hey Peeps Keva the Diva here.

I have something to tell you all. It’s a very scary story so don’t read it before bedtime.

Ok peeps picture this – I was laying sound asleep in my bed this morning, all stretched out like a Diva on my clean sheets, head on my pillows. Mum – who I let sleep on my bed was snoring – yes mum you were! Then all of a sudden there was a huge bang downstairs and then another.

Mum woke up – when I jumped on her chest to protect her. Then the noises got louder and I could hear things falling over. I was trying so hard to be brave but it was not working. Mum got up and went to the top of the stairs and I stayed on the bed. Mum started to disappear down the stairs, then she was gone.

The noises got louder and I was sure this thing had got my mum, so I was going to protect her. OK I was getting scared upstairs by myself. I went half way down the stairs and then I got a look at it. I tried so hard again to be brave – but I was not. What I was, was very very fast but not coordinated. I can usually run up my stairs but when you see what I just saw your legs go all funny and they don’t go as fast as your mind wants. I tripped up the stairs and I thought that creatures would surely get me. So Peeps I jumped up and took the last 5 stairs in one jump – just like a super hero.

Then I realise Mum is down there with the creature ARRRRRGGGGHHHH. So I growl Peeps – the most scariest growl you’ve ever heard. Ok I didn’t growl but I cried like you’ve never heard a hound cry before.

The noises downstairs continued. Now I had seen this creature and it was huge. Like a T-Rex crossed with a pterodactyl. A creature of your worst nightmares. I poke my head down the stairs and see mum grab it. It turns on my mum and attacks – the battle is epic. They fight through the kitchen and then my mum throws it out the back door.

Then I come down to make sure she’s alright – Ok I needed a cuddle. I jump up on the lounge and check around to see its gone. Then the walls and windows start to shake and I just know it is coming back for me. The shaking gets worse and worse. Oh no it must be getting closer. Then Mum says “Keva for petes sake its gone your shaking that hard the walls are moving!”

Then she goes back to bed!!! Back to bed!!! We have just been invaded by a creature that could fit kittens between its fangs. HOLD ON IM COMING WITH YOU!!!

Back on my bed with mum and I am watching for it – I waiting for it – I look up – I look down – I look behind me – I look up – I look down – I look behind me. Then I look up- I look down – I check behind. Then for no reason at all mum says “OMG you sook – it’s gone – stop looking for it and go back to sleep it is 6.30am.” How can she be so calm when there is a monster lurky?? Monster lurking – check up – check down – check all around.

Mum “If you do not go back to sleep – I’m going to put you outside with that Magpie!!”

Night mum.

 

With or Without – Waking Up.

 

What’s it like to live with a dog that outweighs you by 25 kilos? At times extremely funny. My “With or Without” series takes a look at life from both sides. “Without” may be more peaceful but I wouldn’t swap “With” for a second.

Without

The sounds of bird singing in the forest stirs your senses. Eyes open slowly open as you have that first stretch of the morning. Tired eyes adjust to the light shining on a new day. A quiet five minutes to lay and think about the day ahead. Up and into it.

With

You have not woken by the Hounds designated time. She sits and waits….not patiently. The huffing commences, very long and dramatic huffs at 10 second intervals. Not awake yet? The shifty of the hound mass starts, 75 kilos now shifting on timber floors. The sound like a thunderstorm approaching, the windows shake along with the floors. Still not awake? A few more huffs placed between body shuffles.

Still not awake? She waits not longer, she thinks she is stealthy as she approaches. 75 kilos of klutziness with the breath of last night meal is about as stealthy as an earthquake in a sulphur mine. The face approaches, the whiskers and beard so close that they tickle your face. This tickle will be the only gentle part of this experience.

That moment your eyes open they meet the eyes of the Hound, that are now millimetres away from yours. “Hello your’re finally awake!”

While you have been sleeping for the past hour the Hound has been waiting. The Hounds internal spring has been winding and waiting, winding and waiting. The tension of the spring now at its maximum load capacity, waiting to uncoil the second your lids lift. It’s now that the Hypo Hound unleashes its catapult of love, instant full body contact between Hound and human. Waking up has never been filled with such pure love or such immense pain. Clobber paws slamming with the force of falling trees. The tongue connected to mass of love now coating you in a thick covering of wet admiration. Teeth chomping on arms, legs and any other body part that is lucky enough to be still attached.

Crying in pain will not help you, this will only make the Hound want to comfort you. I should add that being comforted by the Alarm Sledgehammer is no comfort at all. Those big chomps just get replaced with little “love nips”. Where she grabs just a tiny piece of flesh between her front teeth in an attempt to flea you. Because I do not have fur and also do not have fleas, this result in nips that don’t break the skin but feels like tendons should be hanging from a gaping hole.

Some may think this an exaggeration or even a bold faced lie. They have never been woken by an adoring Hound. In the 12 years I have been owned by Irish Wolfhounds this morning ritual has left me with several black eyes, split lips, claw marks that would put a lion trainer to shame and one morning that I will never forget that ended in the emergency room of the local hospital.

Would I swap if for a pain free awakening? Not for a million dollars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

With or Without – A Shower

 

What’s it like to live with a dog that outweighs you by 25 kilos? At times extremely funny. My “With or Without” series takes a look at life from both sides. “Without” may be more peaceful but I wouldn’t swap “With” for a second.

WITHOUT

Clean clothes and towel ready. You turn the hot water on and jump in. The combination of hot water and perfumed scents washing away the grime of a long day. Mind drifting as the hot water runs over your head, a rare quiet time within your busy day. Refreshed and ready for a clean towel and fresh clothes….simple really.

WITH

You get your towel and clean clothes ready. The Truant Officer Hound appears to check over the clothes to make sure they are indeed Pyjamas’ and not town clothes. Town clothes can bring on a severe “you’re leaving me” panic attack in the Hound. A panic level that it is normally reserved for low lying beach communities that have a tsunami approaching.

You turn on the water and jump in, then an almighty thud at the bathroom door. You have forgotten to leave it open and have separated the Hound from its human life force. By the time you get out and take the four steps to the door, the door is rocking. That 10 second delay in reaching the door has convinced the Hound that it has been abandoned. Full blown Panic Hound greets your naked body with missile accurate clobber paws. Claws the size of brown bears (ok there not that big but they feel like it) now dragging down your legs in a sign of true love, that only a Hound can deliver . Screaming in pain you return to the shower. That once refreshing hot water now a torture device that stings your torn flesh.

Hound super happy, is now bouncy around the bathroom with joy as she has finally been reunited after the such a huge separation. The mass of the Hound is now bouncy, tail wagging, paws clobbering and giant legs flinging. All the oversized body parts joined together in the Happy Dance of her people. During this dance of joy is when the shower gel, shampoo, moisturiser and talc all go flying. The floor now looks and smells like a bomb has gone off in a cosmetics section of a department store.

Then the head pokes around the curtain “Hello my Human and flesh covered drinking bowl. Let me lick you clean!” As she reaches in a bit further so that her giraffe like tongue can touch your leg – the shower curtain touches her. ARRRRRRRGH PANIC. She jumps back with such speed and force that the curtain is torn from its rail and wraps the Hound’s head tightly on its way down. The panic level rises to a height never seen before. The Bucking Bronco Hound is loose in your bathroom and nothing it safe……nothing.

You jump from the shower naked and dripping to rescue the blinded and bounded Hound. Your first step, straight onto the shower gel that has been spilt all over the floor. It’s about now that your bare bum meets the cold bathroom tiles. On the way to the floor you manage to grab the shower curtain, releasing the Hound’s head. Now she can see and she can see you’re on the floor – wooohoooo play time. Once again the clobber paws meet bare skin, along with a couple of excited nips to your legs on your way back up. You manage to get back in the shower and finish washing but instead of shower gel you use antiseptic and mercurochrome.

The Hound is now watching from a safe distance, still traumatised from the curtain incident and completely covered in what can only be described as “bathroom”.

A Monster has arrived.

IMG_1435 (2)A new monster has just arrived,

It’s got lungs that are super sized.

Mum said “another irrational fear”

I’m not convinced I believe the end is near.

From this monster there is no escape,

Has got no shadow, has got no shape.

It slips between my long thick fur,

Making thousands of goose bumps stir.

I’ve ducked and dodged in every way,

It just follows, looks like it’s here to stay.

I hid inside and it rattled on the doors,

I took off on my massive Wolluf paws.

It is so strong it can move the trees,

If I had them – I would fall to my knees.

I begged my mum to make the Monster go,

Mum said “It’s just the wind, it can only blow.”

Keva xo

Mum is Broken – Part one and two

keva crazy face lookout

PART ONE

Hey Peeps – Keva the Diva here. I need your help!!! I think my mum’s broken. Don’t panic not squeaky toy kinda broken but I think she’s just not right in the head……

No Keva – You cannot chase Pa’s cat – WHY NOT?

No Keva – Don’t you even think about chasing that Kangaroo!!! KEEEEEVVA come back right this minute, I said NO!!! – WHY NOT?

No Keva – My um boots  are not toys and they are not meant to have holes in them! – WHY NOT?

No Keva – Put Max the Husky down. He is not a toy!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – I don’t want the lounge 3 foot towards the left!!! – WHY NOT????

No Keva – Stop pulling on your lead…..it will never get longer than Max’s no matter how hard you pull!!!! – WHY NOT????

No Keva – Pa does not want to be indecently assaulted every time he visits!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – You cannot get into a pond then come inside and get on the lounge! -WHY NOT??

No Keva – Will you not stalk me while I’m working outside and ninja attack me – my bum is not meant to be covered in puncture wounds!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Put the tyre down – it belongs on a motorbike not in your mouth!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Keva the TV is for watching not chewing??? – WHY NOT???

No Keva – We do not chew up rolls of toilet paper into a million pieces and distribute them throughout the house! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Just because you can reach the glue doesn’t mean you can eat the glue! – WHY NOT??

No Keva – We do not eat out bones on the lounge! – WHY NOT??

Seriously Peeps – all day every day, she’s like a broken record. She needs help, or medicating! I’ve heard Two Legs tell her to take a “chill pill’ before but I’ve looked in the first aid cabinet and can’t find them. So if any of you guys have any ideas how I can get Mum to chillax long enough for me to, trip her over, bite her on the bum, throw max in the air whilst chasing the cat, grab that tyre and throw it at a kangaroo then get at least one good bite on the TV please let me know.

These little red horns just aren’t going to come through properly if I don’t get my “Devil credits” up.

Got to go apparently I’m not allowed to play with the computer either…….. WHY NOT????????

IMG_1754

PART TWO

Hey Peep! Keva the Diva back again. So I searched and searched for chill pills and even tried getting Mum to do some yoga. But Mum just said “NO Keva – Put me down, I do not want to hang upside down.”

So I decided to try another tack….I decided I would break my mum’s “NO”. You she tells Max the husky all the time “you’re going to wear that bark of yours out one day” and it gave me the idea. If I make her say NO enough times it might just wear it out….

So off I went on my mission……

NO KEVA, get out of the fish food, NO we do not sit on the lounge like that, NO we do not need trenches in the paddock, NO get out of the pantry, No stop chewing on Max, No get back here, No I’m trying to build at pool not drag it around, No that is my lunch, No stop drinking the baby fish, No get off the garden, No spit that out, No don’t touch this, No don’t touch that, No put that down, No get off, No get down, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Then Mum stopped and yelled “RIGHT get in the car!!” Down into the forest we drove. We got out at our normal spot and we walked and then we got to the creek. Mum said “no keep walking Hypo Hound” so we walked some more, I saw a goanna and I heard kangaroos jumping but mum just kept on walking. We walked and then we walked some more, then when I thought my legs were going to fall off and my tongue felt like it was made of sand we stopped. Then do you know what we did? We turned around and we had to do all that walking again. We got back to the creek and went for swim and then walked and walked back to the car.

When we got home I was sooo tired that I could barely move. Then mum gave me a smile, now I love a smile but this smile was different, it was the kind that Max gives me when he’s taken one of my bones.

Then it hit me! Maybe mum knew what I was up to the whole time, maybe she knew I was trying to wear out her “NO”. Just as this thought came to me Mum walked past and said “No Keva your wet get off the lounge”……and then she kissed me on the forehead and gave me another one of those smiles and whispered in my ear “If Max and Two Legs didn’t wear out my NO then you my dear, haven’t got a hope in hell.”

DAMMM…..Back to the drawing board peeps…………………………………..

Keva the Diva xo

 

 

We have a pet I do not like.

IMG_1435 (2)

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

It’s eyes do glow a violent red,

It has no legs, not even a head.

It sits and stares across the room,

Waiting to unleash it’s dreaded doom.

It does not move but it hisses,

Goes after my tail and rarely misses,

I said “GET IT OUT” loud and bold,

Mum said “Without the heater we’d be cold.”

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

It has skin so icy – cold to touch,

It’s super scary – just too much.

It has no eyes or even a nose,

Got no fingers – got no toes.

Mum says “It really has to stay.”

“If so scary – then outside and play.”

I’m torn, I wanna run, I wanna go,

But “the Pet” – “the bowl” contains the cookie dough.

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

He has a long nose – like an elephant,

He has a hobby – the Keva hunt.

It chases but has no legs at all,

My getaway so fast I always fall.

It has a tail that’s long and thin,

But has no chin, no skin or grin.

Scares me senseless – fills me with the gloom,

The dreaded monster – the devil – That vacuum.

Keva the Diva xo