Tag: humor

Marrow

My gut groans with you inside my mind

And in my dreams you’ve passed my lips a thousand times

Diet see you locked behind fridge doors

The diet continues and so do the songs –

MARROW

Marrow, it’s you I’m looking for?

I need you inside warm pies

I need you with hot fries

You’re all I’ve ever wanted and my mouth is open wide

Cause you know you’re great in satay and you make the best stew

I want to taste you so much, I really do

I long to open bones to see you there

and lick and lick and lick and munch til bones are bare

Sometimes I feel my hunger will overflow

Marrow, you absence hurts me so

Cause I wonder wanna wear you on my chin and I want ya in my hairdo

Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone chewing you?

Tell me….

I long to see the end of diet and see you there

And Ill chew time and time again then much with Husky flair

Sometimes I feel my stomach so damn hollow

Marrow, oh how I want to eat you so

Cause I wonder where you and I search and dig for you

Are you somewhere feeling lonely? Or is someone chewing you?

Come on mother have a heart and just let me have a chew

Please let me start by saying Mum I love you.

Max woof – please send food.

 

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Hello

I come from the Land Down Under – Husky Style

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Running with my Wolluf Blondie

She is real big like a hippy Kombi

We took Reenah, but she is nervous

She’s jumps at any din but then goes fast

 

You see, we come from the land down under

With a bush full of native wonder

Some are near some a wander

You better run, better to discover

 

Running when we heard the Rustles

A kangaroo 6 foot four and full of muscles

Spring legs gave him the advantage

He disappeared like me with a vegemite sandwich

 

And I said we come from the land down under

Where the natives we plunder

Some are near some a wander

You better run, better to discover

 

Came across koalas along the way

Cranky buggers bite and they won’t play

I said my dino girls come follow me

Other animals next to chase a platy

 

And they say “A platy oh the wonder”

If it dives we will go under

That platypus will hear our thunder

But he dove too deep and he took cover

 

But we are living in the land down under

And there is plenty left to plunder

We see a bandicoot try to dig under

We all run but he’s taken cover

 

Living in the land down under

With my woman we will plunder

Nothing will stop us or take us under

We don’t run we don’t take cover

 

We are living in the land down under

With my woman we will plunder

What can I hear “shit it’s thunder”

Ok it’s time run and to take cover.

Max Woof

 

The Husky Rescue Centre – 2

 

IMG_2345 (2)The Husky Rescue Centre

1 Husky Lane

Husky Town

To the Owner of Maxwell Francis Murray,

We write again seeking your cooperation regarding the repeated harassment of my staff by your dog Maxwell Francis Murray or as he continues to refer to himself Mighty Max.

After our last correspondence we had a brief period of “Non Max” and staff were once again able to work towards assisting Husky’s in genuine need of help. Unfortunately this was short lived and it did not take long for the Max calls to start up again. We thought with the assistance of caller ID directing all of Max’s calls straight to voicemail that he may get bored and stop. We were incorrect as this did not slow up his persistent calling on little bit. It also left our staff to deal with numerous message each day.

We ask that you take the time to go over this new list with Maxwell and explain why these issues cannot been taken seriously either. We also plead for the love of god can you remove our phone number from your speed dial.

* A Goanna sighting does not warrant a call to our emergency hotline requesting “backup”. We are a rescue organisation and DO NOT send backup. To confirm this includes “backup” for any of the following reasons – baths, vet visits, tick removal, brushing, nor bones being found by sisters.

* Our staff are not trained in “Goanna” in any way shape or form and cannot give advice on catching or tanning and we cannot and will not recommend any recipes.

* Once again Diets are not a form of torture nor break any cruelty laws. With the energy that Max appears to have we would also advise further reducing his intake of food – especially sugar.

* We are a Husky Rescue Centre and we do not find homes for, as Max has worded it “2 Second hand wolfhounds” and we also suggest keeping a very close eye on those hounds.

* We do not control the temperature – we are sorry if Max feels hot but 30 calls a day expressing this fact will not help with his heat control.

* Ravens are not ninjas conspiring g to kill Max or steal his self proclaimed super powers. Could you please also explain that ravens are that colour naturally and that they are not wearing little ninja suites.

* Being left at home while you go out is not abandonment and we will not go looking for you. We also feel it is important to explain that if you are late getting home , that it is highly unlikely that you have been taken by an alien life force, dingos or lions tigers and bears. Most importantly you need to get across that even if you were taken by any of the previous mentioned threats that there is nothing we can do to help.

* We assume from the tale told by Max that you clean his ears and do not try and poke his brains out an attempt to brainwash him. If you cannot explain this to Max please just let the wax build up.

* Finally our staff are not paid to do any of the following duties – home deliver pizzas (or any other form of food), give emergency ear scratches, complete reconnaissance missions on goannas, chat because Maxwell is in the mood to tell a tale, give opinions on poetry, song lyrics nor do we proof read .

I have also attached our previous list as there would be no harm in repeating these to Maxwell a second time.

I hope this will be our last correspondence with you and that we will not be forced to move our offices to Siberia.

Regards

The Husky Rescue Centre.

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* Having to share with his sister is not a form of cruelty.

* Being bathed is not a crime nor a reason to call our emergency hotline.

* The adding of a goat to the family is not a direct threat against Maxwell, Nor does the goat work for the vet (please see Vet below) .

* A diet is NOT a form of torture.

*The sighting of a hair brush does not warrant a terror alert.

* Toe nail clipping is not the same as bamboo being placed under the toe nails.

* The removing of a summer coat does not remove the soul.

* A on-call chef is a luxury and not a basic dog right that he is being refused.

* Being told to be quiet is not an act violence and in Maxwell’s case is totally understandable.

* Being placed on a lead while walking is not forced imprisonment nor does it reduce his lifespan.

* Finally the Vet is not a secret government agent working on a anti dog conspiracy (with the goat).

Monster – arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!

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Hey Peeps Keva the Diva here.

I have something to tell you all. It’s a very scary story so don’t read it before bedtime.

Ok peeps picture this – I was laying sound asleep in my bed this morning, all stretched out like a Diva on my clean sheets, head on my pillows. Mum – who I let sleep on my bed was snoring – yes mum you were! Then all of a sudden there was a huge bang downstairs and then another.

Mum woke up – when I jumped on her chest to protect her. Then the noises got louder and I could hear things falling over. I was trying so hard to be brave but it was not working. Mum got up and went to the top of the stairs and I stayed on the bed. Mum started to disappear down the stairs, then she was gone.

The noises got louder and I was sure this thing had got my mum, so I was going to protect her. OK I was getting scared upstairs by myself. I went half way down the stairs and then I got a look at it. I tried so hard again to be brave – but I was not. What I was, was very very fast but not coordinated. I can usually run up my stairs but when you see what I just saw your legs go all funny and they don’t go as fast as your mind wants. I tripped up the stairs and I thought that creatures would surely get me. So Peeps I jumped up and took the last 5 stairs in one jump – just like a super hero.

Then I realise Mum is down there with the creature ARRRRRGGGGHHHH. So I growl Peeps – the most scariest growl you’ve ever heard. Ok I didn’t growl but I cried like you’ve never heard a hound cry before.

The noises downstairs continued. Now I had seen this creature and it was huge. Like a T-Rex crossed with a pterodactyl. A creature of your worst nightmares. I poke my head down the stairs and see mum grab it. It turns on my mum and attacks – the battle is epic. They fight through the kitchen and then my mum throws it out the back door.

Then I come down to make sure she’s alright – Ok I needed a cuddle. I jump up on the lounge and check around to see its gone. Then the walls and windows start to shake and I just know it is coming back for me. The shaking gets worse and worse. Oh no it must be getting closer. Then Mum says “Keva for petes sake its gone your shaking that hard the walls are moving!”

Then she goes back to bed!!! Back to bed!!! We have just been invaded by a creature that could fit kittens between its fangs. HOLD ON IM COMING WITH YOU!!!

Back on my bed with mum and I am watching for it – I waiting for it – I look up – I look down – I look behind me – I look up – I look down – I look behind me. Then I look up- I look down – I check behind. Then for no reason at all mum says “OMG you sook – it’s gone – stop looking for it and go back to sleep it is 6.30am.” How can she be so calm when there is a monster lurky?? Monster lurking – check up – check down – check all around.

Mum “If you do not go back to sleep – I’m going to put you outside with that Magpie!!”

Night mum.

 

Shit!

SHIT

Aussie Bush Tails

Before I start, for those that do not appreciate foul language – look away now. No seriously, this may change the way you think of me.

The more I converse with people around the globe the more I’m learning about other countries and their customs. I’m also learning more about myself as an Aussie. The biggest realisation is that we as a people, are really foul-mouthed. I also realise that us Aussie’s take a little pride in this, that we as a nation like to take swearing to new levels of use.

I would like to emphasise this point by taking one swear word and showing you non Australians just what we can do with it. I could use much worse swear words to make this point but I will use what I think is the least offensive as possible. Some swearing connoisseurs amongst you may say the word I have chosen is barely a swear word at all. But us Aussie’s never shy away from challenge and think even the least offending of the swear words should have its place amongst it far superior cousins.

So the word for today’s lesson in Aussie swearing 101 is SHIT! A word that most countries use in a maybe a few different forms. Not us Aussie’s we use this word daily, we use it to show such a huge array of emotions and we use it in all types of conversations.

So let me show you what an Aussie can do with shit – yes I get the pun people. I need to start by saying very few of the Aussie uses for the word shit actually refer to the bodily function you are all thinking about right at this moment.

So how many ways can a Aussie use the word shit you ask? – “SHITLOADS”!

The word “shit” can be used in both a positive and a negative way. Saying someone is “the shit” is the highest compliment – calling someone a “Dipshit” is not. “Shithead” again is not complimentary, unless of course it’s said to a really good friend, that is ok and can been seen as a term of endearment. When something is “shit hot” it is exceptionally good when it “sucks shit” it is as equally bad. Someone can have “shit for brains” and others can “know their shit”.

Now you can scare the “shit out of yourself” and which point you are “scared shitless”. But you can also “shit a brick” at a moment of fear or “shit bricks” at a moment of true terror .

You can be “shit faced” no, not covered in poop, but drunk. People can also “talk shit” and in my experience this is often the result of being “shit faced” at this point it’s best to explain to the person that they are starting to “shit you”.

A “shit box” can be sold to you by a “bull-shitter” of a car salesman that has delivered you a “load of shit” making you believe the said “shit box” is indeed “shit hot”. This is a “shitty” deal.

When someone has “got the shits” it’s best to leave them alone, not because they are running to and from the “shitter”or the “Shit-house”, but because they happen to be in a “shit” mood. Usually the result of some “shithead” giving them “the shits”.

It can be used as an exclamation, “shit balls” for the sporty types, “holy shit” for the religious or for those really special moments “Holy-shit-balls on toast”.

We also define our shit use into animals species, Something can taste like “cat-shit” people can talk “bull- shit”, you can feel like “dog-shit” and someone can be “bat-shit” crazy.

At its most simplistic, it can be “shit yes” or “shit no” then again it can be “let’s get this shit started” and “this shit just ain’t gonna happen”. Or when totally undecided, “I don’t give a shit”.

Most Australians have “eaten shit” again nothing to do with poo. This refers to “eating shit” after being “shit whipped”. “Shit whipped” being the result of an accident so horrific that you are thrown at the ground with such force you take a dirt sample with your mouth. When things go past this point is when, well the “shit hit’s the fan”.

Even Mums around our nation get into the act and most Aussie’s would have childhood memories of asking their mum what was for dinner and being told “shit on toast” or “shit and sugar sandwiches”. Why??? I really have no idea – we just love shit and yes you can refer to a good meal by saying “I love this shit”.

But the only “shit” I find truly inspirational – yes I’m Aussie so of course there would be one, the “shit” I live by. “Shit happens” because let’s face it – in life shit does happen “good shit” ” bad shit” and all the “Shit” in between.

I IZ GOAT

I IZ GOAT

I’m an asshole, yes I am,

Stole mums washing and away I ran.

I’m am asshole, yes I be,

Got on Mum’s bed and did a pee.

I’m an asshole, yes I was,

Why? I’m a goat, so just because.

I’m an asshole, here and now,

Your favourite plants I will plough.

I’m an asshole, now and then,

I fly through windows like a wren.

I’m an asshole for evermore,

Cause I IZ GOAT and I goat lots more in store.

Pippin Von Pip Pip