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The Husky Rescue Centre – 2

 

IMG_2345 (2)The Husky Rescue Centre

1 Husky Lane

Husky Town

To the Owner of Maxwell Francis Murray,

We write again seeking your cooperation regarding the repeated harassment of my staff by your dog Maxwell Francis Murray or as he continues to refer to himself Mighty Max.

After our last correspondence we had a brief period of “Non Max” and staff were once again able to work towards assisting Husky’s in genuine need of help. Unfortunately this was short lived and it did not take long for the Max calls to start up again. We thought with the assistance of caller ID directing all of Max’s calls straight to voicemail that he may get bored and stop. We were incorrect as this did not slow up his persistent calling on little bit. It also left our staff to deal with numerous message each day.

We ask that you take the time to go over this new list with Maxwell and explain why these issues cannot been taken seriously either. We also plead for the love of god can you remove our phone number from your speed dial.

* A Goanna sighting does not warrant a call to our emergency hotline requesting “backup”. We are a rescue organisation and DO NOT send backup. To confirm this includes “backup” for any of the following reasons – baths, vet visits, tick removal, brushing, nor bones being found by sisters.

* Our staff are not trained in “Goanna” in any way shape or form and cannot give advice on catching or tanning and we cannot and will not recommend any recipes.

* Once again Diets are not a form of torture nor break any cruelty laws. With the energy that Max appears to have we would also advise further reducing his intake of food – especially sugar.

* We are a Husky Rescue Centre and we do not find homes for, as Max has worded it “2 Second hand wolfhounds” and we also suggest keeping a very close eye on those hounds.

* We do not control the temperature – we are sorry if Max feels hot but 30 calls a day expressing this fact will not help with his heat control.

* Ravens are not ninjas conspiring g to kill Max or steal his self proclaimed super powers. Could you please also explain that ravens are that colour naturally and that they are not wearing little ninja suites.

* Being left at home while you go out is not abandonment and we will not go looking for you. We also feel it is important to explain that if you are late getting home , that it is highly unlikely that you have been taken by an alien life force, dingos or lions tigers and bears. Most importantly you need to get across that even if you were taken by any of the previous mentioned threats that there is nothing we can do to help.

* We assume from the tale told by Max that you clean his ears and do not try and poke his brains out an attempt to brainwash him. If you cannot explain this to Max please just let the wax build up.

* Finally our staff are not paid to do any of the following duties – home deliver pizzas (or any other form of food), give emergency ear scratches, complete reconnaissance missions on goannas, chat because Maxwell is in the mood to tell a tale, give opinions on poetry, song lyrics nor do we proof read .

I have also attached our previous list as there would be no harm in repeating these to Maxwell a second time.

I hope this will be our last correspondence with you and that we will not be forced to move our offices to Siberia.

Regards

The Husky Rescue Centre.

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* Having to share with his sister is not a form of cruelty.

* Being bathed is not a crime nor a reason to call our emergency hotline.

* The adding of a goat to the family is not a direct threat against Maxwell, Nor does the goat work for the vet (please see Vet below) .

* A diet is NOT a form of torture.

*The sighting of a hair brush does not warrant a terror alert.

* Toe nail clipping is not the same as bamboo being placed under the toe nails.

* The removing of a summer coat does not remove the soul.

* A on-call chef is a luxury and not a basic dog right that he is being refused.

* Being told to be quiet is not an act violence and in Maxwell’s case is totally understandable.

* Being placed on a lead while walking is not forced imprisonment nor does it reduce his lifespan.

* Finally the Vet is not a secret government agent working on a anti dog conspiracy (with the goat).

Shit!

SHIT

Aussie Bush Tails

Before I start, for those that do not appreciate foul language – look away now. No seriously, this may change the way you think of me.

The more I converse with people around the globe the more I’m learning about other countries and their customs. I’m also learning more about myself as an Aussie. The biggest realisation is that we as a people, are really foul-mouthed. I also realise that us Aussie’s take a little pride in this, that we as a nation like to take swearing to new levels of use.

I would like to emphasise this point by taking one swear word and showing you non Australians just what we can do with it. I could use much worse swear words to make this point but I will use what I think is the least offensive as possible. Some swearing connoisseurs amongst you may say the word I have chosen is barely a swear word at all. But us Aussie’s never shy away from challenge and think even the least offending of the swear words should have its place amongst it far superior cousins.

So the word for today’s lesson in Aussie swearing 101 is SHIT! A word that most countries use in a maybe a few different forms. Not us Aussie’s we use this word daily, we use it to show such a huge array of emotions and we use it in all types of conversations.

So let me show you what an Aussie can do with shit – yes I get the pun people. I need to start by saying very few of the Aussie uses for the word shit actually refer to the bodily function you are all thinking about right at this moment.

So how many ways can a Aussie use the word shit you ask? – “SHITLOADS”!

The word “shit” can be used in both a positive and a negative way. Saying someone is “the shit” is the highest compliment – calling someone a “Dipshit” is not. “Shithead” again is not complimentary, unless of course it’s said to a really good friend, that is ok and can been seen as a term of endearment. When something is “shit hot” it is exceptionally good when it “sucks shit” it is as equally bad. Someone can have “shit for brains” and others can “know their shit”.

Now you can scare the “shit out of yourself” and which point you are “scared shitless”. But you can also “shit a brick” at a moment of fear or “shit bricks” at a moment of true terror .

You can be “shit faced” no, not covered in poop, but drunk. People can also “talk shit” and in my experience this is often the result of being “shit faced” at this point it’s best to explain to the person that they are starting to “shit you”.

A “shit box” can be sold to you by a “bull-shitter” of a car salesman that has delivered you a “load of shit” making you believe the said “shit box” is indeed “shit hot”. This is a “shitty” deal.

When someone has “got the shits” it’s best to leave them alone, not because they are running to and from the “shitter”or the “Shit-house”, but because they happen to be in a “shit” mood. Usually the result of some “shithead” giving them “the shits”.

It can be used as an exclamation, “shit balls” for the sporty types, “holy shit” for the religious or for those really special moments “Holy-shit-balls on toast”.

We also define our shit use into animals species, Something can taste like “cat-shit” people can talk “bull- shit”, you can feel like “dog-shit” and someone can be “bat-shit” crazy.

At its most simplistic, it can be “shit yes” or “shit no” then again it can be “let’s get this shit started” and “this shit just ain’t gonna happen”. Or when totally undecided, “I don’t give a shit”.

Most Australians have “eaten shit” again nothing to do with poo. This refers to “eating shit” after being “shit whipped”. “Shit whipped” being the result of an accident so horrific that you are thrown at the ground with such force you take a dirt sample with your mouth. When things go past this point is when, well the “shit hit’s the fan”.

Even Mums around our nation get into the act and most Aussie’s would have childhood memories of asking their mum what was for dinner and being told “shit on toast” or “shit and sugar sandwiches”. Why??? I really have no idea – we just love shit and yes you can refer to a good meal by saying “I love this shit”.

But the only “shit” I find truly inspirational – yes I’m Aussie so of course there would be one, the “shit” I live by. “Shit happens” because let’s face it – in life shit does happen “good shit” ” bad shit” and all the “Shit” in between.

Keva the Diva – Neglected

 

Hey Peeps Keva the Diva here!

This is an appeal to other IW’s that are forced to live with neglectful owners, you know the ones that have jobs. I need to report my Mother for complete and utter neglect! I tried to ring the RSPCA, but how ridiculous a human answers the phone and they haven’t even been trained in “DOG”! A conspiracy I say.

So I’m calling out to all of my shaggy mates out there in FB land, your help is needed so that my cries for help do not go unheard. Raise you heads and howl with me in a protest against those owners that continue to make us – orphans to the working week.

It’s spring and Mummies fish have started to breed, I don’t know exactly what that means, but Mum says she’ll explain when I get older. All I know is fish breeding equals Keva neglecting!! Max my Husky brother said it happens every year, I don’t remember this happening last spring, but I did sleep through most of it.

Stupid fish are taking up all of Mums time and I’m down to one walk a day and only about 100 pats and kisses AND I reckon my bouncy has only been thrown a pathetic 20 times today. I still get my breakfast, lunch, dinner and milk pit stops but where’s that constant unyielding attention you bestowed on me over winter??? She even goes out at night to these stupid water dwellers and she leaves me alone (yes ALONE) on a warm comfy bed (remember to focus on the ALONE not the warm bed bit). Mum does ask if I want to come, but its dark out there and there’s possums and kangaroos and koalas and I’m sure Bunyip’s too. When I sook and cry at mum she just says “if it wasn’t for the fish you would have no home or food.” How do I argue with that – for a start I don’t even eat Koi and as far as living in one???? I think these no good bubble blowers are brainwashing my Mum into thinking they are more important than they are.

Oh believe me, I have tried to draw mum’s attention away from these scale monsters! I started with “Cute Protesting” I tried the “sad eyes” and the classic “Irish Wolfhound oh look at me” sigh. I’ve even resorted to dropping my bouncy at her feet in an attempt to get her to play. But NOTHING!!!! So after these attempts at cute protesting failed I decided to take my protest up a few levels!!! Have you heard of damage control? Well I am perfecting damage out of control! I have eaten the fishies air lines – hahahaha – breath now you attention stealers!!! I’ve stolen their food in an attempt to starve them!! I have also killed 8 pools and in turn released 1000’s of fish into the paddock – “run free you mummy distracters”!!! I have dropped non subtle hints by digging huge holes in the paddock. Hole’s large enough to hide bodies…….fish bodies….yes Mum you’d better be reading this.

When Mums trying to do paperwork at night, I eat it, put paw prints on it and I’ve worked out if I drool enough on the paper Mums pens don’t work hehehehe. When these tactics don’t work I just sit on her… I’m now heavier than Mum so there’s not a lot she can do about it. But this is only a short victory as she fades fast and she makes these funny gurgling sounds after a few minutes. Don’t panic humans it’s nothing a big wet tongue up the side of the face won’t fix. But then she’s just back into that paperwork. I know I mostly sleep at night, but I should still get gently stroked and kissed on the nose every 10 minutes…not this pathetic half hour stuff.

If any of you older and wiser Irish Wolfhound’s have any attention stealing techniques that you’re willing to share, please pass them on (you’ll have to PM me cause Mum will probably delete them). I really do need your help cause I asked Max and he just said “deal with it Princess” and went back to sleep. And there is no point asking my Evil Stepsister – she didn’t get the title “evil” by being helpful and caring!!

So now after all my attempts (good and bad) to gain my Mother’s attention have failed, I am now looking into scuba diving courses, maybe if I’m UNDER water my Mum will finally pay more attention to me.

Got to go, still trying to work out how this snorkel thing goes on, and I have no idea what I’m suppose to do with these flippers. oooooooh Noooooo Mums heading out the door again to pay attention to those glorified fish fingers, oh mum look at me, loooooooook at MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Neglected and attention starved (please play your violins worldwide for me)

Keva xo

 

Aussie Dog’s Pee with Flair

 

A Husky’s take on the Australian National Anthem.

Aussie Dog hear my voice

for we all need to pee

We’ve golden oil to release on soil

to make our yellow sea

Our land abounds in many sniffs

Of bats and birds and bear

In histories page – dogs at every stage

Aussie dogs pee with flair

Yellow streams, Let us sing

Aussie dog pee with flair

 

We pee beneath our Southern Cross

We soil across this land

To make this country of ours

Scented best of all the lands

For all those dog across the sea

We’ve boundless trees to share

The scent of many can combine

And we will teach you to pee with flair

Making yellow streams, let us sing

Us Ocker dogs pee with flair

Max Woof 

 

Kevas Irrational Fears

Hey Peeps Keva the Diva here

About week ago Mum and Max told me I have “Irrational Fears”. ARRRRGH!!!

So I started freaking out, cause that’s just how I roll. What kind of terrible disease is this? Will my hair fall out? Will I shrink? Will it affect my appetite? Is it fatal?? And most importantly will it damage my glorious Diva looks??!?!??

So after suffering, not in silence – I finally found out that “Irrational Fears” is not a disease…PHEW!!!

Mum and Max tried to explain that irrational fears are fears of things that aren’t really scary. PHFFFT what would they know, Mums scared of spiders and Max is scared of the hair brush.

My fears Peep’s are REAL and totally rational. I have made a list of some of the things I think are really scary so you can see how crazy Mum and Max are . Mum and Max…M & M…..M & M’s…nom nom nom…CENTRE Keva. Sorry back to my list of seriously frightful and scary fears. WARNING this list is really scary, like a vet holding a thermometer kinda scary. Just reading this list may make you shiver in your paws – boots, or whatever happens to be at the end of your legs. So you ready? Have ya got a teddy to cuddle?

* The wind up windows in the car – They grabbed my head once and tried to cut it completely off my body – I swear!!! If I see one move or hear its evil hiss, I will bounce from the back seat to the front seat in one leap. Ninja style Peeps, fast and accurate and let me tell ya I do not care who may be in the front seat, there is always room for two.

* Plastic Bags – Not the ones that remain safely within their enclosure (the house), but if one manages to escape and is alone and wandering the paddock – chills…..serious chills Peep’s.

* Two Leg’s (my two legged brother) torturous collection of remote control pets. Mum says Two Leg’s controls them – LIES outright lies. That one’s almost as believable as her line about cats not liking being chased. Now these pets of Two Legs can go fast, some can jump and some can fly. Once one even bounced up the stairs after me and it followed me all the way to my bed, and Two Legs was still downstairs. These evils minions of Two Leg’s are very much alive and they have plans……evil and diabolical plans.

* Sticks that move by themselves…..arrrgh…how do they do it?!?!?! Mum says it’s cause I’ve stood on the other end of the stick. No way I’m not that stupid Mum, Max might fall for that one but not me. Mum and Max I also do not appreciate you laughing at me when one tries to kill me, support from my pack at these times would be appreciated.

*The horrendous yowie noises we hear in the forest, now these sounds are blood curdling!!! Max says it’s just two trees rubbing together. So now every time I hear one I refuse to go any further, cause one day I’m going to see that yowie and show Max how wrong he is.

* My greatest fear, you know the one that you have nightmares about. The fear you don’t even like thinking about. Shivers, Goosebumps…. Mum’s stainless steel mixing bowls. My nemesis, my kryptonite. They tried to kill me when I first came to live with my pack, I think they were jealous of my good looks. Mum says she “accidently” knocked them off the bench but I swear they launched in a cold and calculated attack. Now I know where they live and I keep a respectful distance so as not to anger them. Mum on the other hand wants to “poke the beast” as they say and just goes and grabs them. If I happen to even see her go near that cupboard, I do what any great big strong Irish Wolfhound would do…. I run like hell in the other direction. Now if a door happens to be between me and escaping certain death, I’m happy to remove that door. Doors can be replaced – Keva the Diva my dears cannot!!!

* Quick add on – as of this evening I have a new fear – Thanks from the bottom of my bowels Two Legs. Yabbies – what kind of freak is mother nature for creating something as truly terrifying and hideous as that. Now I don’t normally bring out the true Diva hissy fit….but this time the paw had to come down. I told Mum it’s me or the yabbies, I will not come back into the house until they are gone. After much laughing from my ever so supportive pack (NOT) Two Legs took them back down the creek where they belong. At this point I’m also reconsidering ever entering the creek again.

So as you can clearly see none of my fears are irrational, they are warranted and totally justified. So I call for your help to have Mum and Max committed. Because if they are not scared of the things on my list they are obviously insane and need treatment. They say I have Irrational fears – I say they are blind to the dangers that surround them.

Gotta go got and do my 50th check of house to make sure that Two Legs had indeed taken those yabby things back down to the creek.

Keva the Diva xoxoxoxo