Im still here

To those that have followed me and maybe wondered if I had fallen off the face of he earth – I have not! LOL.

Over the last three months life decided to throw me a curve ball. My precious Baby of my Pack – Keva the Diva was struck down with a unknown illness. She fought hard and she tried her best to recover, unfortunately she loss her battle on Good Friday 14.1.17. She was 2 years and 10 months old.

To say my heart is broken is just too little. I have not been writing much as my heart has just not been in it. I will over the next few days post some of the things I wrote about my journey with her, which explain what exactly happened.

I am starting to rise and the pen has been touching paper again.

So I haven’t gone anywhere, just life sucks sometimes and leaves not time for anything.

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Searching for fairies

 

With or Without – A Shower

 

What’s it like to live with a dog that outweighs you by 25 kilos? At times extremely funny. My “With or Without” series takes a look at life from both sides. “Without” may be more peaceful but I wouldn’t swap “With” for a second.

WITHOUT

Clean clothes and towel ready. You turn the hot water on and jump in. The combination of hot water and perfumed scents washing away the grime of a long day. Mind drifting as the hot water runs over your head, a rare quiet time within your busy day. Refreshed and ready for a clean towel and fresh clothes….simple really.

WITH

You get your towel and clean clothes ready. The Truant Officer Hound appears to check over the clothes to make sure they are indeed Pyjamas’ and not town clothes. Town clothes can bring on a severe “you’re leaving me” panic attack in the Hound. A panic level that it is normally reserved for low lying beach communities that have a tsunami approaching.

You turn on the water and jump in, then an almighty thud at the bathroom door. You have forgotten to leave it open and have separated the Hound from its human life force. By the time you get out and take the four steps to the door, the door is rocking. That 10 second delay in reaching the door has convinced the Hound that it has been abandoned. Full blown Panic Hound greets your naked body with missile accurate clobber paws. Claws the size of brown bears (ok there not that big but they feel like it) now dragging down your legs in a sign of true love, that only a Hound can deliver . Screaming in pain you return to the shower. That once refreshing hot water now a torture device that stings your torn flesh.

Hound super happy, is now bouncy around the bathroom with joy as she has finally been reunited after the such a huge separation. The mass of the Hound is now bouncy, tail wagging, paws clobbering and giant legs flinging. All the oversized body parts joined together in the Happy Dance of her people. During this dance of joy is when the shower gel, shampoo, moisturiser and talc all go flying. The floor now looks and smells like a bomb has gone off in a cosmetics section of a department store.

Then the head pokes around the curtain “Hello my Human and flesh covered drinking bowl. Let me lick you clean!” As she reaches in a bit further so that her giraffe like tongue can touch your leg – the shower curtain touches her. ARRRRRRRGH PANIC. She jumps back with such speed and force that the curtain is torn from its rail and wraps the Hound’s head tightly on its way down. The panic level rises to a height never seen before. The Bucking Bronco Hound is loose in your bathroom and nothing it safe……nothing.

You jump from the shower naked and dripping to rescue the blinded and bounded Hound. Your first step, straight onto the shower gel that has been spilt all over the floor. It’s about now that your bare bum meets the cold bathroom tiles. On the way to the floor you manage to grab the shower curtain, releasing the Hound’s head. Now she can see and she can see you’re on the floor – wooohoooo play time. Once again the clobber paws meet bare skin, along with a couple of excited nips to your legs on your way back up. You manage to get back in the shower and finish washing but instead of shower gel you use antiseptic and mercurochrome.

The Hound is now watching from a safe distance, still traumatised from the curtain incident and completely covered in what can only be described as “bathroom”.

A Monster has arrived.

IMG_1435 (2)A new monster has just arrived,

It’s got lungs that are super sized.

Mum said “another irrational fear”

I’m not convinced I believe the end is near.

From this monster there is no escape,

Has got no shadow, has got no shape.

It slips between my long thick fur,

Making thousands of goose bumps stir.

I’ve ducked and dodged in every way,

It just follows, looks like it’s here to stay.

I hid inside and it rattled on the doors,

I took off on my massive Wolluf paws.

It is so strong it can move the trees,

If I had them – I would fall to my knees.

I begged my mum to make the Monster go,

Mum said “It’s just the wind, it can only blow.”

Keva xo

Mum is Broken – Part one and two

keva crazy face lookout

PART ONE

Hey Peeps – Keva the Diva here. I need your help!!! I think my mum’s broken. Don’t panic not squeaky toy kinda broken but I think she’s just not right in the head……

No Keva – You cannot chase Pa’s cat – WHY NOT?

No Keva – Don’t you even think about chasing that Kangaroo!!! KEEEEEVVA come back right this minute, I said NO!!! – WHY NOT?

No Keva – My um boots  are not toys and they are not meant to have holes in them! – WHY NOT?

No Keva – Put Max the Husky down. He is not a toy!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – I don’t want the lounge 3 foot towards the left!!! – WHY NOT????

No Keva – Stop pulling on your lead…..it will never get longer than Max’s no matter how hard you pull!!!! – WHY NOT????

No Keva – Pa does not want to be indecently assaulted every time he visits!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – You cannot get into a pond then come inside and get on the lounge! -WHY NOT??

No Keva – Will you not stalk me while I’m working outside and ninja attack me – my bum is not meant to be covered in puncture wounds!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Put the tyre down – it belongs on a motorbike not in your mouth!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Keva the TV is for watching not chewing??? – WHY NOT???

No Keva – We do not chew up rolls of toilet paper into a million pieces and distribute them throughout the house! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Just because you can reach the glue doesn’t mean you can eat the glue! – WHY NOT??

No Keva – We do not eat out bones on the lounge! – WHY NOT??

Seriously Peeps – all day every day, she’s like a broken record. She needs help, or medicating! I’ve heard Two Legs tell her to take a “chill pill’ before but I’ve looked in the first aid cabinet and can’t find them. So if any of you guys have any ideas how I can get Mum to chillax long enough for me to, trip her over, bite her on the bum, throw max in the air whilst chasing the cat, grab that tyre and throw it at a kangaroo then get at least one good bite on the TV please let me know.

These little red horns just aren’t going to come through properly if I don’t get my “Devil credits” up.

Got to go apparently I’m not allowed to play with the computer either…….. WHY NOT????????

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PART TWO

Hey Peep! Keva the Diva back again. So I searched and searched for chill pills and even tried getting Mum to do some yoga. But Mum just said “NO Keva – Put me down, I do not want to hang upside down.”

So I decided to try another tack….I decided I would break my mum’s “NO”. You she tells Max the husky all the time “you’re going to wear that bark of yours out one day” and it gave me the idea. If I make her say NO enough times it might just wear it out….

So off I went on my mission……

NO KEVA, get out of the fish food, NO we do not sit on the lounge like that, NO we do not need trenches in the paddock, NO get out of the pantry, No stop chewing on Max, No get back here, No I’m trying to build at pool not drag it around, No that is my lunch, No stop drinking the baby fish, No get off the garden, No spit that out, No don’t touch this, No don’t touch that, No put that down, No get off, No get down, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Then Mum stopped and yelled “RIGHT get in the car!!” Down into the forest we drove. We got out at our normal spot and we walked and then we got to the creek. Mum said “no keep walking Hypo Hound” so we walked some more, I saw a goanna and I heard kangaroos jumping but mum just kept on walking. We walked and then we walked some more, then when I thought my legs were going to fall off and my tongue felt like it was made of sand we stopped. Then do you know what we did? We turned around and we had to do all that walking again. We got back to the creek and went for swim and then walked and walked back to the car.

When we got home I was sooo tired that I could barely move. Then mum gave me a smile, now I love a smile but this smile was different, it was the kind that Max gives me when he’s taken one of my bones.

Then it hit me! Maybe mum knew what I was up to the whole time, maybe she knew I was trying to wear out her “NO”. Just as this thought came to me Mum walked past and said “No Keva your wet get off the lounge”……and then she kissed me on the forehead and gave me another one of those smiles and whispered in my ear “If Max and Two Legs didn’t wear out my NO then you my dear, haven’t got a hope in hell.”

DAMMM…..Back to the drawing board peeps…………………………………..

Keva the Diva xo

 

 

We have a pet I do not like.

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We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

It’s eyes do glow a violent red,

It has no legs, not even a head.

It sits and stares across the room,

Waiting to unleash it’s dreaded doom.

It does not move but it hisses,

Goes after my tail and rarely misses,

I said “GET IT OUT” loud and bold,

Mum said “Without the heater we’d be cold.”

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

It has skin so icy – cold to touch,

It’s super scary – just too much.

It has no eyes or even a nose,

Got no fingers – got no toes.

Mum says “It really has to stay.”

“If so scary – then outside and play.”

I’m torn, I wanna run, I wanna go,

But “the Pet” – “the bowl” contains the cookie dough.

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

He has a long nose – like an elephant,

He has a hobby – the Keva hunt.

It chases but has no legs at all,

My getaway so fast I always fall.

It has a tail that’s long and thin,

But has no chin, no skin or grin.

Scares me senseless – fills me with the gloom,

The dreaded monster – the devil – That vacuum.

Keva the Diva xo

Keva the Diva – Neglected

 

Hey Peeps Keva the Diva here!

This is an appeal to other IW’s that are forced to live with neglectful owners, you know the ones that have jobs. I need to report my Mother for complete and utter neglect! I tried to ring the RSPCA, but how ridiculous a human answers the phone and they haven’t even been trained in “DOG”! A conspiracy I say.

So I’m calling out to all of my shaggy mates out there in FB land, your help is needed so that my cries for help do not go unheard. Raise you heads and howl with me in a protest against those owners that continue to make us – orphans to the working week.

It’s spring and Mummies fish have started to breed, I don’t know exactly what that means, but Mum says she’ll explain when I get older. All I know is fish breeding equals Keva neglecting!! Max my Husky brother said it happens every year, I don’t remember this happening last spring, but I did sleep through most of it.

Stupid fish are taking up all of Mums time and I’m down to one walk a day and only about 100 pats and kisses AND I reckon my bouncy has only been thrown a pathetic 20 times today. I still get my breakfast, lunch, dinner and milk pit stops but where’s that constant unyielding attention you bestowed on me over winter??? She even goes out at night to these stupid water dwellers and she leaves me alone (yes ALONE) on a warm comfy bed (remember to focus on the ALONE not the warm bed bit). Mum does ask if I want to come, but its dark out there and there’s possums and kangaroos and koalas and I’m sure Bunyip’s too. When I sook and cry at mum she just says “if it wasn’t for the fish you would have no home or food.” How do I argue with that – for a start I don’t even eat Koi and as far as living in one???? I think these no good bubble blowers are brainwashing my Mum into thinking they are more important than they are.

Oh believe me, I have tried to draw mum’s attention away from these scale monsters! I started with “Cute Protesting” I tried the “sad eyes” and the classic “Irish Wolfhound oh look at me” sigh. I’ve even resorted to dropping my bouncy at her feet in an attempt to get her to play. But NOTHING!!!! So after these attempts at cute protesting failed I decided to take my protest up a few levels!!! Have you heard of damage control? Well I am perfecting damage out of control! I have eaten the fishies air lines – hahahaha – breath now you attention stealers!!! I’ve stolen their food in an attempt to starve them!! I have also killed 8 pools and in turn released 1000’s of fish into the paddock – “run free you mummy distracters”!!! I have dropped non subtle hints by digging huge holes in the paddock. Hole’s large enough to hide bodies…….fish bodies….yes Mum you’d better be reading this.

When Mums trying to do paperwork at night, I eat it, put paw prints on it and I’ve worked out if I drool enough on the paper Mums pens don’t work hehehehe. When these tactics don’t work I just sit on her… I’m now heavier than Mum so there’s not a lot she can do about it. But this is only a short victory as she fades fast and she makes these funny gurgling sounds after a few minutes. Don’t panic humans it’s nothing a big wet tongue up the side of the face won’t fix. But then she’s just back into that paperwork. I know I mostly sleep at night, but I should still get gently stroked and kissed on the nose every 10 minutes…not this pathetic half hour stuff.

If any of you older and wiser Irish Wolfhound’s have any attention stealing techniques that you’re willing to share, please pass them on (you’ll have to PM me cause Mum will probably delete them). I really do need your help cause I asked Max and he just said “deal with it Princess” and went back to sleep. And there is no point asking my Evil Stepsister – she didn’t get the title “evil” by being helpful and caring!!

So now after all my attempts (good and bad) to gain my Mother’s attention have failed, I am now looking into scuba diving courses, maybe if I’m UNDER water my Mum will finally pay more attention to me.

Got to go, still trying to work out how this snorkel thing goes on, and I have no idea what I’m suppose to do with these flippers. oooooooh Noooooo Mums heading out the door again to pay attention to those glorified fish fingers, oh mum look at me, loooooooook at MEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Neglected and attention starved (please play your violins worldwide for me)

Keva xo