Over the past few week I have been having a battle with a fridge. A fridge I hear you ask, yes, a 3am beeping bastard that refuses to let me sleep.
This wondrous piece of technology has a beeper installed to let you know if the fridge door has been left open. For the past 45 years I have been able to tell this fact by looking at a fridge, if the door is shut one can safely assume that the door is NOT open.
While unpacking groceries I do not want to be informed that the door is open by a ear pearcing BEEP BEEP BEEP. Seriously I know the door is open – I opened it and I’m putting things into it. This is annoying but I can live with this…..just.
When I want to stare absently into my fridge wondering what snack will be mine, I do not want this peaceful time of contemplation interrupted by a food haze destroying beep beep beep. This again is annoying but just bearable.
But this fridge – this piece of metal – this object, has another thing it likes to do with that beep. It likes to wait until I’m sound asleep before releasing it relentless beep beep beep. This over sized tin can will wait until any time between 1am to 5am to launch its attack.
So after a few nights of being woken by Mr Beep Bastard I decide it is time to consult the manual. Troubleshooting section – why beeping – Door open- REALLY???? We are back to the point where I have been opening and shutting doors for 40 plus years. If they are not open, they are shut, if they are not shut, they are open. Have I been missing something???
I keep on reading – the seals could be dirty – so I clean the seals and I mean like a surgeon cleans her hands before holding a heart.
Next – the fridge could be unbalanced – are you kidding me – get the level out – little bubble is in the middle – yep it’s level.
So seals cleaned, fridge perfectly balanced, door shut and pushed extra hard as if this will convince the fridge that it’s door is indeed closed.
Off to bed…………3.35am beep beep beep.
I would just like to add at this point that slamming the door while screaming “Stop fucking beeping you fucktard” does not fix the beeping issue either.
Shut door, push super hard because it worked so well last time.
Head back to bed………..4.45 am beep beep BEEEEP.
ARE KIDDING ME YOU SADISTIC PIECE OF METAL!. Go back downstairs to the fridge – go to open door and the suction on the door is that tight it is an effort to pull the door open.So Mr Fridge I pose this question “How can your door be open when it nearly dislocated my shoulder trying to break the suction!!!” I pull the power cord from the wall and with a satisfied “Beep Beep now you bastard!!” I head back to bed.
It is time to ring the help line and find out how to turn off the Beep beep beep. Now this you would think a simple question. One that could only have two possible answers – Yes and this is how OR No you cannot. Apparently I was mistaken and this question can have multiple answers. You see I got a really helpful Bloke that wanted to inform – but he did NOT want to listen!!!!!
Good Morning how can I help you today?
I ask “Can you disconnect the beeper in the fridge?”
“If your fridge is beeping then the door is open madam”
What I wanted to say at this point is “Really? Silly me, I thought you left the door open. Well I’ll just shut the door and the problem will be solved!”
What I really said “The door is closed for hours before it starts to beep. I have followed all your instructions in the manual. I just want know if it can be disconnected”
Mr Helpful: “Your seals must be dirty”
What I wanted you say “Are you having a problem with the question I have asked? Can I disconnect the beeper? I think this is a simple question with one of two answers – either yes or no. I am past caring why the fridge is beeping I just want it to stop it before my sanity is completely lost to your fridge and I end up in a padded cell in a tight white jacket!”
What I really said ” The seals are not dirty, they have been cleaned like a OCD sufferers toilet seat. If I clean them anymore the seals will disintegrate from bleach and scrubbing. Like I just explained to you, I have read your troubleshooting section – the same section you are reading to me now. I just want to know if I can disconnect the beeper.”
Mr Helpful “Your fridge must not be balanced Madam”
I would like to say that I wished I had said the following – but the weeks of broken sleep had released an inner psycho that has been laying dormant for a very long time. At this point she took over the conversation and the following is what poor Mr Helpful got.
“Really, so you want to solve this with pretzel logic? You know the kind of logic that goes around and around but you end back at the starting point. With that same level of logic you may as well tell me that after I go to bed of a night my fridge comes alive. That it must have a dance, knocking itself off balance and making itself so thirsty that it has to open its door to get a drink. Because it’s just a fridge it’s not really good at shutting its own door, so it leaves it ajar. Still thirsty the fridge opens it’s cold drink. A drink that has been shook, because remember the fridge was dancing, so when it opens the drink it sprays everywhere including its own seals hence making them dirty.
Now Numb Nut I will ask this question once more, if you do not answer this question with a yes or no answer I will snap – when I snap I will not be held responsible for what happens to the fridge or the idiot that keeps answering a question with a question.
So for the last time, I do not want to know what you think is wrong with this fridge, I do not want to be told the door is open, I do not want to be told that the seals are dirty Nor do I want to be told that the fridge is unbalanced. I WANT TO KNOW ONE SIMPLE THING – CAN I DISONNECT THE FUCKING BEEPER?”
Mr Helpful “If your fridge is beeping the door is open.”
Me: “Thank you, I will go shut the door” hang up.
in excellent condition, very balanced,
extremely clean seals,
and comes with 24/7 help line.