Month: June 2016

With ot Without a Wolfhound -Cleaning the Car

 

What’s it like to live with a dog that outweighs you by 25 kilos? At times extremely funny. My “With or Without” series takes a look at life from both sides. “Without” may be more peaceful but I wouldn’t swap “With” for a second.

 WITHOUT

We all do it, wipe the windows, shake the floor rugs, quick vacuum, and wipe down the interiors, quick spray of air freshener and good to drive again.

WITH

Full body hazmat suit on and double dose of antihistamines ingested – because as soon as you open those doors, the fur is going to fly. Not because you have had two feral cats fighting in your car but because you own a four legged yowie that sheds more fur than a highland cow.

The normal cleaning products useless against the mess and ooze the Hound unleashes. You are armed with industrial strength cleaners capable of burning the flesh from your fingers, but still no match for the hound drool on the windows. This will need a paint scarper and some serious muscle. Oh and the drool – it’s not just confined to the interior of the car. Dribble Jaws has let the slobber fly while her head has been hanging out the window at 100km/hour. Covering the exterior of the car in a goo so strong it has collected leaves, twigs and small birds in the wind.

A vacuum that could suck the skin off an orange from 5 metres, actually reels in horror at the thought of the job ahead. The fur on the interior of your car so deep that you now have to rescue and relocate the marsupials that have nested inside it. Bits of Macca D’s that have escaped through the gaps in the hounds teeth are firmly planted into the floor carpets, the dash board and the air vents. Oh and god only knows what that slimy thing is that your hand just found under the front seat.

You scrub and comb the interior until it once again resembles a vehicle intended for human travel and not a cattle truck that has been on an across country journey. You no longer use a spray of air freshener- you puncture a small hole in the entire can throw it in the car, shut the door and run.

I suppose it’s all my fault – I did leave the car for a couple of weeks between cleans

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An obsession has to begin somewhere.

 

Over the last 12 years of being owned by two Wolfhounds, many people have asked “What made you want that particular breed?” I’ve always just said “I like big things and I’m not allowed to have an elephant.”

The real reason I think is a lovely story and one I’ve not told too many people. Purely because most people do not or cannot understand how an interaction with a single dog can affect you so strongly.

Some only see the eyes of a dog looking back at the them – I see a doorway to a soul that’s just waiting to be opened.

So this is where my IW love story began 28 years ago and 17 years before owning my first.

Bit of a back story here. I was very young when I moved out of home, I was 16 and it was the first time in my life that there was no animals in my house. I had grown up with great Danes, afghans, a poodle, cats etc, so to be living alone and without a pet was hard to get used to. As I was so young I didn’t have my driver’s license and I walked to and from work each day, only a few kilometres each way.

The small suburb I was living in I had grown up in and gone to school. On my way to work each day I would stop at a bakery that I had gone to since I was in primary school. This bakery was owned by a very tall and heavy set man with a huge handlebar moustache . He was a mountain of a man that had always reminded me of a walrus. He was a gentle soul and would often sneak extra treats into my bag as he knew I was young and living away from home. So each day I would stop at his bakery and get a apple muffin to eat on my walk to work. One day as I walked out of the bakery a huge, dark and hairy Irish Wolfhound came up to me and looked at me as if to say “Can I assume you would like to share that muffin?” As I’d grown up with Danes his size didn’t bother me. I looked around to see where his owner was, the Walrus yelled out “He takes himself for walks, he’s ok.” So I asked the Hound to sit, which he did and I gave him half of my muffin. Then I turned to head off to work, my new friend followed and he walked with me the whole way. When I got to the building I worked at I was worried about leaving my new friend, but as I thought this – off he went. I spent the whole day and night worrying about this mystery dog. The next morning I went to work and who was waiting at the bakery but my new buddy. So I bought two muffins, which the Walrus only charged me for one, as he put it “You can hardly afford to feed yourself, so I will feed the dog.” My new mate ate his muffin and walked me to work again, then off he went. This went on for months, the Walrus said he would turn up on the weekends but quickly leave after our normal meeting time went past. On my first holidays from my job I decided I was going to work out where he went after he dropped me off to work each day. I thought he must be going home. So on my holiday I met him at the bakery at our normal time and we walked to where I worked, then he set off, so I kept walking with him.

So where did we end up? About 6 blocks away at the beach. Where he quickly turned into Mr Zoomie and went crazy on the sand before taking himself for a swim. Then off he went up to hang with the Lifeguards. I asked them if they knew who owned him but no one did, they just said he turned up each day and left after lunch. So I still didn’t know where he came from but he obviously did. Now this dog was not neglected he was groomed, well fed and he always had a clean bandana around his neck, so he was spoilt and loved as well. He stopped at roads and looked left and right, he was clever, and he was well trained. He certainly belonged to someone and someone belonged to him.

My friendship with this Hound lasted about a year, and over that time I never found out who owned him. Everyone knew him – but not who owned him. I got another job and I had to move to a different area. On my last day at my job I bought my apple muffin and like so many times before,  we shared it on my way to work. On that walk it hit me how much this huge scruffy dude had become part of my life. I didn’t know his name, I didn’t know who owned him or where he lived. I did know that he had got inside my heart, lets even say into my soul. As I said my final goodbye I hugged him. I swear he knew this was the end of our friendship, for the first time in a year he hesitated to leave but then he turned and he was gone.

I cried that day for the loss of a friend that I was to never see again. I promised myself that one day I would have my very own Wolfhound, it took 17 years and it was worth the wait. My first Irish Wolfhound Moke was everything I had hoped for and a thousand times more. Even now that she is gone she still holds a piece of my heart, that will only be returned when we meet again someday.

A Monster has arrived.

IMG_1435 (2)A new monster has just arrived,

It’s got lungs that are super sized.

Mum said “another irrational fear”

I’m not convinced I believe the end is near.

From this monster there is no escape,

Has got no shadow, has got no shape.

It slips between my long thick fur,

Making thousands of goose bumps stir.

I’ve ducked and dodged in every way,

It just follows, looks like it’s here to stay.

I hid inside and it rattled on the doors,

I took off on my massive Wolluf paws.

It is so strong it can move the trees,

If I had them – I would fall to my knees.

I begged my mum to make the Monster go,

Mum said “It’s just the wind, it can only blow.”

Keva xo

The Beeping Fridge

 

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Over the past few week I have been having a battle with a fridge. A fridge I hear you ask, yes, a 3am beeping bastard that refuses to let me sleep.

This wondrous piece of technology has a beeper installed to let you know if the fridge door has been left open. For the past 45 years I have been able to tell this fact by looking at a fridge, if the door is shut one can safely assume that the door is NOT open.

While unpacking groceries I do not want to be informed that the door is open by a ear pearcing BEEP BEEP BEEP. Seriously I know the door is open – I opened it and I’m putting things into it. This is annoying but I can live with this…..just.

When I want to stare absently into my fridge wondering what snack will be mine, I do not want this peaceful time of contemplation interrupted by a food haze destroying beep beep beep. This again is annoying but just bearable.

But this fridge – this piece of metal – this object, has another thing it likes to do with that beep. It likes to wait until I’m sound asleep before releasing it relentless beep beep beep. This over sized tin can will wait until any time between 1am to 5am to launch its attack.

So after a few nights of being woken by Mr Beep Bastard I decide it is time to consult the manual. Troubleshooting section – why beeping – Door open- REALLY???? We are back to the point where I have been opening and shutting doors for 40 plus years. If they are not open, they are shut, if they are not shut, they are open. Have I been missing something???

I keep on reading – the seals could be dirty – so I clean the seals and I mean like a surgeon cleans her hands before holding a heart.

Next – the fridge could be unbalanced – are you kidding me – get the level out – little bubble is in the middle – yep it’s level.

So seals cleaned, fridge perfectly balanced, door shut and pushed extra hard as if this will convince the fridge that it’s door is indeed closed.

Off to bed…………3.35am beep beep beep.

I would just like to add at this point that slamming the door while screaming “Stop fucking beeping you fucktard” does not fix the beeping issue either.

Shut door, push super hard because it worked so well last time.

Head back to bed………..4.45 am beep beep BEEEEP.

ARE KIDDING ME YOU SADISTIC PIECE OF METAL!. Go back downstairs to the fridge – go to open door and the suction on the door is that tight it is an effort to pull the door open.So Mr Fridge I pose this question “How can your door be open when it nearly dislocated my shoulder trying to break the suction!!!” I pull the power cord from the wall and with a satisfied “Beep Beep now you bastard!!” I head back to bed.

It is time to ring the help line and find out how to turn off the Beep beep beep. Now this you would think a simple question. One that could only have two possible answers – Yes and this is how OR No you cannot. Apparently I was mistaken and this question can have multiple answers. You see I got a really helpful Bloke that wanted to inform – but he did NOT want to listen!!!!!

Good Morning how can I help you today?

I ask “Can you disconnect the beeper in the fridge?”

“If your fridge is beeping then the door is open madam”

What I wanted to say at this point is “Really? Silly me, I thought you left the door open. Well I’ll just shut the door and the problem will be solved!”

What I really said “The door is closed for hours before it starts to beep. I have followed all your instructions in the manual. I just want know if it can be disconnected”

Mr Helpful: “Your seals must be dirty”

What I wanted you say “Are you having a problem with the question I have asked? Can I disconnect the beeper? I think this is a simple question with one of two answers – either yes or no. I am past caring why the fridge is beeping I just want it to stop it before my sanity is completely lost to your fridge and I end up in a padded cell in a tight white jacket!”

What I really said ” The seals are not dirty, they have been cleaned like a OCD sufferers toilet seat. If I clean them anymore the seals will disintegrate from bleach and scrubbing. Like I just explained to you, I have read your troubleshooting section – the same section you are reading to me now. I just want to know if I can disconnect the beeper.”

Mr Helpful “Your fridge must not be balanced Madam”

I would like to say that I wished I had said the following – but the weeks of broken sleep had released an inner psycho that has been laying dormant for a very long time. At this point she took over the conversation and the following is what poor Mr Helpful got.

“Really, so you want to solve this with pretzel logic? You know the kind of logic that goes around and around but you end back at the starting point. With that same level of logic you may as well tell me that after I go to bed of a night my fridge comes alive. That it must have a dance, knocking itself off balance and making itself so thirsty that it has to open its door to get a drink. Because it’s just a fridge it’s not really good at shutting its own door, so it leaves it ajar. Still thirsty the fridge opens it’s cold drink. A drink that has been shook, because remember the fridge was dancing, so when it opens the drink it sprays everywhere including its own seals hence making them dirty.

Now Numb Nut I will ask this question once more, if you do not answer this question with a yes or no answer I will snap – when I snap I will not be held responsible for what happens to the fridge or the idiot that keeps answering a question with a question.

So for the last time, I do not want to know what you think is wrong with this fridge, I do not want to be told the door is open, I do not want to be told that the seals are dirty Nor do I want to be told that the fridge is unbalanced. I WANT TO KNOW ONE SIMPLE THING – CAN I DISONNECT THE FUCKING BEEPER?”

Mr Helpful “If your fridge is beeping the door is open.”

Me: “Thank you, I will go shut the door” hang up.

Local paper

FOR SALE

FRIDGE

in excellent condition, very balanced,

extremely clean seals,

and comes with 24/7 help line.

 

Mum is Broken – Part one and two

keva crazy face lookout

PART ONE

Hey Peeps – Keva the Diva here. I need your help!!! I think my mum’s broken. Don’t panic not squeaky toy kinda broken but I think she’s just not right in the head……

No Keva – You cannot chase Pa’s cat – WHY NOT?

No Keva – Don’t you even think about chasing that Kangaroo!!! KEEEEEVVA come back right this minute, I said NO!!! – WHY NOT?

No Keva – My um boots  are not toys and they are not meant to have holes in them! – WHY NOT?

No Keva – Put Max the Husky down. He is not a toy!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – I don’t want the lounge 3 foot towards the left!!! – WHY NOT????

No Keva – Stop pulling on your lead…..it will never get longer than Max’s no matter how hard you pull!!!! – WHY NOT????

No Keva – Pa does not want to be indecently assaulted every time he visits!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – You cannot get into a pond then come inside and get on the lounge! -WHY NOT??

No Keva – Will you not stalk me while I’m working outside and ninja attack me – my bum is not meant to be covered in puncture wounds!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Put the tyre down – it belongs on a motorbike not in your mouth!!! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Keva the TV is for watching not chewing??? – WHY NOT???

No Keva – We do not chew up rolls of toilet paper into a million pieces and distribute them throughout the house! – WHY NOT???

No Keva – Just because you can reach the glue doesn’t mean you can eat the glue! – WHY NOT??

No Keva – We do not eat out bones on the lounge! – WHY NOT??

Seriously Peeps – all day every day, she’s like a broken record. She needs help, or medicating! I’ve heard Two Legs tell her to take a “chill pill’ before but I’ve looked in the first aid cabinet and can’t find them. So if any of you guys have any ideas how I can get Mum to chillax long enough for me to, trip her over, bite her on the bum, throw max in the air whilst chasing the cat, grab that tyre and throw it at a kangaroo then get at least one good bite on the TV please let me know.

These little red horns just aren’t going to come through properly if I don’t get my “Devil credits” up.

Got to go apparently I’m not allowed to play with the computer either…….. WHY NOT????????

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PART TWO

Hey Peep! Keva the Diva back again. So I searched and searched for chill pills and even tried getting Mum to do some yoga. But Mum just said “NO Keva – Put me down, I do not want to hang upside down.”

So I decided to try another tack….I decided I would break my mum’s “NO”. You she tells Max the husky all the time “you’re going to wear that bark of yours out one day” and it gave me the idea. If I make her say NO enough times it might just wear it out….

So off I went on my mission……

NO KEVA, get out of the fish food, NO we do not sit on the lounge like that, NO we do not need trenches in the paddock, NO get out of the pantry, No stop chewing on Max, No get back here, No I’m trying to build at pool not drag it around, No that is my lunch, No stop drinking the baby fish, No get off the garden, No spit that out, No don’t touch this, No don’t touch that, No put that down, No get off, No get down, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO!!!!!

Then Mum stopped and yelled “RIGHT get in the car!!” Down into the forest we drove. We got out at our normal spot and we walked and then we got to the creek. Mum said “no keep walking Hypo Hound” so we walked some more, I saw a goanna and I heard kangaroos jumping but mum just kept on walking. We walked and then we walked some more, then when I thought my legs were going to fall off and my tongue felt like it was made of sand we stopped. Then do you know what we did? We turned around and we had to do all that walking again. We got back to the creek and went for swim and then walked and walked back to the car.

When we got home I was sooo tired that I could barely move. Then mum gave me a smile, now I love a smile but this smile was different, it was the kind that Max gives me when he’s taken one of my bones.

Then it hit me! Maybe mum knew what I was up to the whole time, maybe she knew I was trying to wear out her “NO”. Just as this thought came to me Mum walked past and said “No Keva your wet get off the lounge”……and then she kissed me on the forehead and gave me another one of those smiles and whispered in my ear “If Max and Two Legs didn’t wear out my NO then you my dear, haven’t got a hope in hell.”

DAMMM…..Back to the drawing board peeps…………………………………..

Keva the Diva xo

 

 

We have a pet I do not like.

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We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

It’s eyes do glow a violent red,

It has no legs, not even a head.

It sits and stares across the room,

Waiting to unleash it’s dreaded doom.

It does not move but it hisses,

Goes after my tail and rarely misses,

I said “GET IT OUT” loud and bold,

Mum said “Without the heater we’d be cold.”

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

It has skin so icy – cold to touch,

It’s super scary – just too much.

It has no eyes or even a nose,

Got no fingers – got no toes.

Mum says “It really has to stay.”

“If so scary – then outside and play.”

I’m torn, I wanna run, I wanna go,

But “the Pet” – “the bowl” contains the cookie dough.

We have a pet I do not like,

I wish it would go – take a hike.

He has a long nose – like an elephant,

He has a hobby – the Keva hunt.

It chases but has no legs at all,

My getaway so fast I always fall.

It has a tail that’s long and thin,

But has no chin, no skin or grin.

Scares me senseless – fills me with the gloom,

The dreaded monster – the devil – That vacuum.

Keva the Diva xo